Jack's Jokes — Jokes, Jokes, Jokes

Thanksgiving Jokes: Things to Do to Liven Up Thanksgiving Dinner

by on November 6, 2008

1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table. Announce that it’s the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for, say, “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught” and refuse to say anything more.

3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad’s not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.

4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, “See mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the Turkey was past expiration date. You were worried for nothing.”

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Thanksgiving Jokes: Top 10 Reasons College Students Are Looking Forward to Thanksgiving Break

by on November 6, 2008

10. You’ll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than a Grade E yet semi-edible fur ball.

9. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and stuffing with an ice cream scooper.

8. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green Jello.

7. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to the bathroom will not be delayed by having to line the seat with toilet paper.

6. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car, bedroom larger than a 12×14 cell… OK, even if it is for only four days.

5. To eat your meals the only trek you’ll have to make is from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the dining hall…in below freezing weather.

4. Instead of listening to “when I first started teaching here…” you can be entertained by “when your mother was your age…” and “during the Depression we weren’t lucky enough to have brussels sprouts. Hell, all we could afford was the sprout!”

3. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than popped in your microwave

2. You’ll know the hair in the shower drain is your own.

1. You won’t be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!

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Thanksgiving Jokes: Top Ten Signs You’ve Eaten Too Much at Thanksgiving Dinner

by on November 6, 2008

10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.

9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.

8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth’s axis.

7. Right this minute you’re laughing up pie on the carpet.

6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.

5. World’s fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to “back off!”

4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.

3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.

2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.

1. You’re sweatin’ gravy.

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Thanksgiving Jokes: Funny Thanksgiving Pictures

by on November 6, 2008

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Thanksgiving Jokes: 17 Ways To Cook A Turkey

by on November 6, 2008

1. Go buy a turkey
2. Take a drink of whisky
3. Put turkey in the oven
4. Take another 2 drinks of whisky
5. Set the degree at 375 ovens
6. Take 3 more whiskys of drink
7. Turk the bastey
8. Whisky another bottle of get
9. Ponder the meat thermometer
10. Glass yourself a pour of whisky
11. Bake the whisky for 4 hours
12. Take the oven out of the turkey
13. Floor the turkey up off of the pick
14. Turk the carvey
15. Get yourself another scottle of botch
16. Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
17. Bless the dinner and pass out

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Thanksgiving Jokes: Thanksgiving Forecast

by on November 6, 2008

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

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Thanksgiving Jokes: Signs You’re Going To Have A White Trash Thanksgiving

by on November 6, 2008

- Little sister Sue catches Mama adding a box of Ex-Lax to her special brown gravy to insure that everyone will “be regular” afterwards.

- Cousin Mikey shows up with his new bride, his three-quarters sister Julie, who is his sister by his father and his oldest full sister.

- Cousin Jen shows up wearing her new mink stole that has a blaze-orange circle-and-slash painted on the back of it and proudly displays her summons for her court date to answer for beating the crap out of the animal rights activists who ruined her new coat.

- Brother Bobby, who just flew in for Thanksgiving from some unnamed South American country, keeps popping up like a jack-in-the-box and fiddling with his “piece” in a low-profile belt holster while nervously spying from the kitchen bay window up and down the street with binoculars.

- Uncle Max coughs and sputters up in his rusty old pickup and asks those attending if anyone has a fresh pouch of “Redman” chewing tobacco that he can shove down into the transmission to keep it from leaking all the fluid out until he can make back home.

- Aunt Carly shows up with Carole, who is her new “best friend” as well as being her current parole officer and live-in lesbian lover and Domme who is also an associate producer on The Jerry Springer Show.

- Second-cousin Billy Joe brings as his guest his current analyst, who’s doing his doctoral thesis in primitive societal familial subcultures.

- Uncle Peter, who’s legally blind but can see some shapes and colors and shadows and who also got legally blind stone drunk before ever showing up with his wife Aunt Millie, keeps “accidentally” nearly falling into all the women and copping feels as he seeks to regain his balance.

- 13-year-old cousin Timmy asks his Uncle Bobby if he can borrow his thermal-melt scale device, so he can check the purity of an eight-ball “rock” he just bought from your Dad.

- Uncle Ralph serves the turkey flambe’ by pouring some his famous homemade ’shine all over it and igniting it with a flick from his unfiltered Camel cigarette, creating a ball of flame that alights what hair is left on Uncle Peter’s head and gives third-degree burns to his balding pate, filling the dining room with the stench of roasting human as well as turkey flesh, as 911 is called for the second time on this special Thanksgiving holiday.

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Thanksgiving Jokes: ‘Twas The Night Of Thanksgiving

by on November 6, 2008

‘Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn’t sleep.
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned,the dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
The thought of a snack became infatuation.
So I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground!

I crashed through the ceiling. Floating into the sky,
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees…
Happy eating to all! Pass the cranberries, please!

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Thanksgiving Jokes: Corny Thanksgiving Jokes 2

by on November 6, 2008

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their AGE

What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock

Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner?
No, you should just have the turkey!

What sound does a turkey’s phone make?
Wing Wing

When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
In the dictionary!

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
I’ll tell you at Christmas.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.

How much did the Mayflower weigh?
A Puri-TON

Why does a pilgrim’s pants always fall down?
Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy!

What’s a turkey’s favorite song?
“I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”

What sound does a space turkey make?
Hubble, hubble, hubble.

Why do turkeys always go “gobble, gobble”?
Because they never learned good table manners!

Why can’t you take a turkey to church?
Because they use such FOWL language

What are the feathers on a turkey’s wings called?
Turkey feathers

What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
The turkey trot

Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Yes - a building can’t jump at all

What do Hippies put on their Thanksgiving potatoes?
Groovy

What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving

Why should you keep your eye off the turkey dressing?
Because it makes him blush!

What happened when the turkey met the axe?
He lost his head!

Teacher: “Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?”
Student: “Maybe they missed their plane.”

Why was Plymouth Rock so brave?
It was a little boulder.

Teacher: “Why do we have a Thanksgiving holiday?”
Student: “So we know when to start Christmas shopping!”

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Arthur.
Arthur who?
Arthur any leftovers?

When did the Pilgrims first say “God bless America?”
The first time they heard America sneeze!

What are unhappy cranberries called?
Blueberries!

How can you tell a male turkey from a female turkey?
The male is the one holding the remote control.

What do you call the dirt on a Pilgrim’s hands?
Pilgrime!

What is your favourite thing to make for Thanksgiving dinner?
Reservations!

Why didn’t the turkey eat dessert?
He was stuffed!

What’s blue and covered with feathers?
A turkey holding its breath!

What cat discovered America?
Christofurry Columbus!

Why was the monster tickled when he ate the turkey?
Because he forgot to pluck the feathers!

What’s the best way to stuff a turkey?
Take him out for pizza and ice cream!

How can you make a turkey float?
You need 2 scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a turkey

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside

Asked to write a composition entitled, “What I’m thankful for on Thanksgiving,” little Johnny wrote, “I am thankful that I’m not a turkey.”

Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks

Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play

What’s the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?
The turKEY

What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
Boy! I’m stuffed!

What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Lots of drumsticks!

When the Pilgrims landed, where did they stand?
On their feet!

What’s the best thing to put into a pumpkin pie?
Your teeth!

What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an octopus?
Eight feather dusters!

What kind of vegetables would you like for Thanksgiving dinner?
Beets me!

What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?
Your nose

Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?
To hatchet.

Why did the Pilgrim eat a candle?
He wanted a light snack!

What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter “g”!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey have to wait long to eat?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Waddle.
Waddle who?
Waddle I do if you don’t open the door?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, I’m hungry!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gladys.
Gladys who?
Gladys Thanksgiving. Aren’t you?

What do rich people eat on Thanksgiving?
14 Karats

Where did the first corn come from?
The stalk brought it

Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?
To keep his wigwam

What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?
He had an arrow escape

Why don’t you eat fish on Thanksgiving?
Because Thanksgiving never falls on a FRY-day.

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Thanksgiving Jokes: Corny Thanksgiving Jokes

by on November 6, 2008

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one fresh enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, “Don’t you have fresh turkeys?” The stock boy answered, “But they are all dead. Now how can I make them take a bath?”

What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son?
If your papa could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy!

Asked to write a composition entitled, “What I’m thankful for on Thanksgiving,”
little Timothy wrote, “I am thankful that I’m not a turkey.”

Have you finished off the first one?
Yeah!
Eaten it too?
Yeah!
What happened to the other one?
The other turkey is now reading our conversation, boss.

If a man wants to eat a turkey on Thanksgiving, what does a turkey want?
Ans- It simply wants to run away.

What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?
Ans- God save the kin.

What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it?
Ans- Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.

What will a turkey with a dramatic bent of mind say to another turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
Ans- To be or not to be roasted, that is the question.

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, “You’re terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I’ll see to it that you get a huge bonus.” “Forget the bonus,” the turkey said, “All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?”

What key has legs and can’t open doors?
A Turkey.

Gobbler said, “Doctor, help me! I can’t stop acting like a turkey!”
“I see,” said the doctor. “How long have you had this problem?”
“Let me think a second. Mom laid the egg in 1954…”