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Lawyer: “Was that the same nose you broke as a child?”
Witness: “I only have one, you know.”
Lawyer: “Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?”
Witness: “By death.”
Lawyer: “And by whose death was it terminated?”
Accused, Defending His Own Case: “Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?”
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
Lawyer: “What is your date of birth?”
Witness: “July 15th.”
Lawyer: “What year?”
Witness: “Every year.”
Lawyer: “Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?”
Witness: “There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet.”
Lawyer: “Can you identify the rifle?”
Witness: “Yes. There was something written on the side of it.”
Lawyer: “And what did the writing say?”
Witness: “‘Winchester’!”
Lawyer: “What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?”
Witness: “Gucci sweats and Reeboks.”
Lawyer: “Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?”
Witness: “No. He was wearing a mask.”
Lawyer: “What was he wearing under the mask?”
Witness: “Er…his face.”
Lawyer: “This myasthenia gravis — does it affect your memory at all?”
Witness: “Yes.”
Lawyer: “And in what ways does it affect your memory?”
Witness: “I forget.”
Lawyer: “You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?”
Lawyer: “How old is your son, the one living with you?”
Witness: “Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.”
Lawyer: “How long has he lived with you?”
Witness: “Forty-five years.”
Lawyer: “What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?”
Witness: “He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’”
Lawyer: “And why did that upset you?”
Witness: “My name is Susan.”
Lawyer: “Sir, what is your IQ?”
Witness: “Well, I can see pretty well, I think.”
Lawyer: “Did you blow your horn or anything?”
Witness: “After the accident?”
Lawyer: “Before the accident.”
Witness: “Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.”
Lawyer: “Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?”
Witness: “Yes.”
Lawyer: “Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?”
Witness: “Yes, sir.”
Lawyer: “What did she say?”
Witness: “‘What disco am I at?’”
Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
Witness: “Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”
Lawyer: “How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”
Lawyer: “And you check your radar unit frequently?”
Officer: “Yes, I do.”
Lawyer: “And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?”
Officer: “Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly.”
Lawyer: “What happened then?”
Witness: “He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’”
Lawyer: “Did he kill you?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man–”
Witness: “Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.”
Lawyer: “You were there until the time you left, is that true?”
Lawyer: “So you were gone until you returned?”
Lawyer: “The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?”
Lawyer: “Were you alone or by yourself?”
Lawyer: “How long have you been a French Canadian?”
Witness: “He was about medium height and had a beard.”
Lawyer: “Was this a male or a female?”
Lawyer: “Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?”
Witness: “I went to Europe, sir.”
Lawyer: “And you took your new wife?”
Lawyer: “I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.”
Witness: “That’s me.”
Lawyer: “Were you present when that picture was taken?”
Lawyer: “Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?”
Lawyer: “Do you know how far pregnant you are now?”
Witness: “I’ll be three months on November 8.”
Lawyer: “Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?”
Witness: “Yes.”
Lawyer: “What were you doing at that time?”
Lawyer: “How many times have you committed suicide?”
Witness: “Four times.”
Lawyer: “Do you have any children or anything of that kind?”
Lawyer: “She had three children, right?”
Witness: “Yes.”
Lawyer: “How many were boys?”
Witness: “None.”
Lawyer: “Were there girls?”
Lawyer: “You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?”
Lawyer: “You say that the stairs went down to the basement?”
Witness: “Yes.”
Lawyer: “And these stairs, did they go up also?”
Lawyer: “Have you lived in this town all your life?”
Witness: “Not yet.”
Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) “Your Honor, I’d like to strike the next question.”
Lawyer: “Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?”
Witness: “It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm.”
Lawyer: “And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?”
Lawyer: “What is your brother-in-law’s name?”
Witness: “Borofkin.”
Lawyer: “What’s his first name?”
Witness: “I can’t remember.”
Lawyer: “He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first name?”
Witness: “No. I tell you, I’m too excited.” (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) “Nathan, for heaven’s sake, tell them your first name!”
Lawyer: “Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?”
Witness: “I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: “Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?”
Witness: “I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: “Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?”
Witness: “No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.”
Lawyer: “What is your marital status?”
Witness: “Fair.”
Lawyer: “Are you married?”
Witness: “No, I’m divorced.”
Lawyer: “And what did your husband do before you divorced him?”
Witness: “A lot of things I didn’t know about.”
Lawyer: “And who is this person you are speaking of?”
Witness: “My ex-widow said it.
Lawyer: “How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?”
Witness: “Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good.”
Lawyer: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
Witness: “All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.”
Lawyer: “Were you acquainted with the deceased?”
Witness: “Yes sir.”
Lawyer: “Before or after he died?”
Lawyer: “Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?”
Witness: “No. This is how I dress when I go to work.”
The Court: “Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.”
Lawyer: “Did he pick the dog up by the ears?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “What was he doing with the dog’s ears?”
Witness: “Picking them up in the air.”
Lawyer: “Where was the dog at this time?”
Witness: “Attached to the ears.”
Lawyer: “When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?”
Other Lawyer: “Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.”
Lawyer: “And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?”
Witness: “Oral.”
Lawyer: “How old are you?”
Witness: “Oral.”
Lawyer: “What is your relationship with the plaintiff?”
Witness: “She is my daughter.”
Lawyer: “Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?”
Lawyer: “Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?”
Lawyer: “Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?”
Lawyer: “And what did he do then?”
Witness: “He came home, and next morning he was dead.”
Lawyer: “So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?”
Lawyer: “Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?”
Witness: “He didn’t offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture.”
Lawyer: “So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?”
Witness: “I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.”
Lawyer: “It was covered?”
Witness: “Yes, bandaged.”
Lawyer: “Then, later on…what did you see?”
Witness: “I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.”
Lawyer: “Could you see him from where you were standing?”
Witness: “I could see his head.”
Lawyer: “And where was his head?”
Witness: “Just above his shoulders.”
Lawyer: “Do you drink when you’re on duty?”
Witness: “I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.”
Lawyer: “Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?”
Witness: “The victim lived.”
Lawyer: “The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it? You too were shot in the fracas.”
Witness: “No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.”
Lawyer: “Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?”
Witness: “Because he was argumentary, and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.”
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Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element , Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of leptonlike particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert.
However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years.
It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as
many morons.
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A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.
I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???
Through the eyes of a child:
The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden…..Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
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The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper. ‘Hello?’
‘Is your daddy home?’ he asked.
‘Yes,’ whispered the small voice.
‘May I talk with him?’
The child whispered, ‘No.’
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, ‘Is your Mummy there?’
‘Yes’
‘May I talk with her?’
Again the small voice whispered, ‘No’
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, ‘Is anybody else there?’
‘Yes,’ whispered the child, ‘a policeman.’
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, ‘May I speak with the policeman?’
‘No, he’s busy,’ whispered the child.
‘Busy doing what?’
‘Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman,’ came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, ‘What is that noise?’
‘A helicopter.’ answered the whispering voice.
‘What is going on there?’ demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,
‘The search team just landed a helicopter.’
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, ‘What are they searching for?’
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…
‘ME.’
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What do you get when you have Broomhilda on the beach with a turkey?
A turkey sand-witch!
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A turkey that plucks himself.
What goes “gobble, gobble” and can see just as well from one end as from the other end?
A turkey with his eyes shut
What goes “gobble, gobble, BOOM!?”
A turkey in a mine field
What goes, “gobble, gobble, ha-ha-ha BOOM!?”
A turkey exploding with laughter
What goes “gobble, gobble, ha-ha-ha PLOP!?”
A turkey laughing his head off
What’s full of raisins and is on a secret mission?
Mince spy
What’s red and round and goes up and down, up and down?
A cranberry on an elevator.
What’s orange and falls off walls?
Humptey Pumpkin
What did John Alden wear on his feet?
Plymouth Socks
What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter G
Why is a turkey on Thanksgiving like a ghost the day after Halloween?
Because he’s gone today, but just the day before he was a-gobblin.
What’s round, red and shocking?
An electric cranberry
If twenty Thanksgiving turkeys told terrible tales, how many “t’s” would there be in all?
If you said 7 you are wrong! The answer is is 0 (zero} because there are no T’s in the word ALL.
Why don’t you eat fish on Thanksgiving?
Because Thanksgiving never falls on a Fry-Day (Friday).
Rich people eat what on Thanksgiving?
14 karats [carrots]
Why was Plymouth Rock so brave?
It was a little bold-er.
Hippies put what on their Thanksgiving potatoes?
Groovy
Teddy bears have what in common with turkeys?
Both have stuffing
Why was the quarterback crying during the game?
Because he was playing Foot-Bawl
The Mayflower weighed how much?
A Puri-TON
What sound does a turkey’s phone make?
“Wing! Wing!”
On which holiday do you play a lot of jokes on people?
Pranks-giving
The pilgrims’ cows came to America on what ship?
The Mooooo-flower
What do monsters have on their Thanksgiving table?
Knives, Forks and Goons
When the early settlers got sick, what did they take?
PILL - grims
Why are so many new cars sold around Thanksgiving time?
It’s a good time to buy an AUTUMN-mobile.
What is big and green and goes “gobble, gobble?”
Turkey-saurus Rex
After Thanksgiving dinner, where did the pilgrims put their trash?
In the Mayflower Compact-Tor.
Where should you bury your Thanksgiving potatoes (if they die)?
In a GRAVE-y
Which side of the turkey has the juiciest meat?
The inside.
Which Thanksgiving food has grandchildren?
The Gran-berry Sauce
At Thanksgiving dinner, which had should you use to butter your roll with?
Neither. You use a knife, silly!
What’s inside a genie’s turkey?
3 wishbones
What do you wear to Thanksgiving dinner?
A Har- VEST
What’s the sleepiest thing at the Thanksgiving table?
NAP- kins
What does a golfer like to eat on Thanksgiving?
PAR- tatoes
What did the pilgrims have to clean after the first Thanksgiving dinner?
Mess- achussetts
What do policemen eat on Thanksgiving?
Corn on the cop
What does a baseball player put under his plate at Thanksgiving dinner?
A Place-MITT
The selfish pilgrims came to America on what ship?
The Me-Me-Me Flower
What football game is played on Thanksgiving?
The GRAVEY Bowl
What game is played after eating too much at Thanksgiving dinner?
Moan-nopoly.
Which month is a tailor’s least favorite?
No-HEM-ber
What did Miles Standish say after the first Thanksgiving meal?
BURP!
When a turkey picks his nose, what comes out?
A Gobble-Goober
What’s bigger: A Football or A Baseball?
Neither. They’re the same. They both have 8 LETTERS in them.
What would a British person gain by eating a Thanksgiving meal?
Pounds
What does Frosty the Snowman eat on Thanksgiving?
Cold- Slaw
What do goldfish say on Thanksgiving?
Happy TANKS-giving
Which pilgrim cut the turkey at the first Thanksgiving feast?
John Carver
What does a mother present say to the kid present on Thanksgiving?
Keep your el-BOWS off the table!
What female is always asked to say the Thanksgiving blessing?
Grace
What do arithmetic teachers do on Thanksgiving?
Count their blessings
How many cranberries grow on a bush?
All of them
Why did mom save some turkey for tomorrow?
She didn’t want it to go to waist.
What do ghosts eat on Thanksgiving?
Hot ghosted-ed turkey
Why did the Thanksgiving basket get in trouble at school?
It was caught Cornu-copying!
What does Godzilla eat on Thanksgiving?
Squash
On the Thanksgiving, what’s always in the middle of the table?
The letter “B”
Which Thanksgiving beverage is sad?
Apple Sigh- der
What did the pilgrims use to bake cakes?
May- flour
Why is Thanksgiving such an intelligent holiday?
Because it’s in KNOW-vember
Why do you go to grandmother’s house on Thanksgiving?
Because the house won’t come to you!
What’s a baby turkey called?
A Peeping Tom
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A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego the day before Thanksgiving and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
‘Pop, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.
‘We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,’ the father says.
‘We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her.’
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
‘Like heck they’re getting divorced,’ she shouts, I’ll take care of this.’
She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, ‘You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?’ and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay”, he says, ‘they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.’
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A Backhoe weighing 8 tons is on top of a flatbed trailer and heading east on Interstate 70 near Hays, Kansas ?
The extended shovel arm is made of hardened refined steel and the approaching overpass is made of commercial-grade concrete, reinforced with 1 1/2 inch steel rebar spaced at 6 inch intervals in a criss-cross pattern layered at 1 foot vertical spacing.
Solve: When the shovel arm hits the overpass, how fast do you have to be going to slice the bridge in half??
(Assume no effect for headwind and no braking by the driver…)
Extra Credit: Solve for the time and distance required for the entire rig to come to a complete stop after hitting the overpass at the speed calculated above.?
Yes, you can neglect friction.
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Just in case the economy gets too bad we might need to start saving now…
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